Golden autumn

This blessed, golden season is bringing me back to my self again. It's rained less than usual. And it's been warmer than usual. Weather really can lift my mood.

I'm trying to snap out of a cycle of self-defeat. I keep shooting down possibilities before I try them, and keep convincing myself that I can't do things that maybe I *could* do. Just dealing with uncertainty is enough without this kind of thinking—the combination prevents the thrill of possibility from creeping up behind the uncertainty and just creates a scary void. I had lots of unstructured time today to just think, catch up on my to-do list, and exercise. It was glorious. I though a lot about how much I love learning things, and I'm craving a new learning experience in a big way.

View from a sick day

Well, it started about here:Lunchtime on Wednesday, after lots of editing in front of a screen. I started feeling a bit shaky and weird, and decided that I must just be overtired/hungry/computered-out. So I bundled up and decided to try for one of the last outdoor lunches of the season. I parked myself outside of Juilliard, had my sandwich, and felt no better. By 4pm, I had to leave work with various shakes and aches.

And it is ending here:
Sitting around on the couch, being completely useless. In the arsenal: microwaveable hot pack, honey throat drops, Puffs lotionized tissues, Sudafed (the real sh*t, that they make you sign for so they can make sure you're not running a meth lab), ibuprofen, eucalyptus salve, cold water with lemon, hot tea. Oh, and AppleTV, a fleece blanket, and a down blanket.

My fever's finally down, hence the blogging. So happy I'm starting to recover!

Cappuccino

Caffeine's been getting me through these days. Thanks to an inherited countertop espresso doodad and a milk frother thingamagig, I've been whipping up some fancy cappuccinos and lattés. Anything made with warm milk tends to make me happy. These little white cups we got as wedding gifts make me happy, too.

And, after experimenting with various recipes from the Web, I learned that you can get the yumminess of a latté even if you haven't happened upon any equipment! I tried this "autumn spice" experiment one day when I wasn't getting the right consistency of milk out of my frother jug. I was craving the Starbucks pumpkin spice latté, but I liked this even better, since it didn't have the syrupy-sweetness. Give it a shot:

-One shot of espresso, or double-strength brewed coffee

-About one cup of milk

-Sugar (I use about 1/4 tsp., but sweeten to your taste)

-Cinnamon

-Allspice

-Nutmeg (optional; I don't love this 'cause it never seems to dissolve enough in the milk)

In a small pot on the stove, heat up the milk, sugar, and spices. Whisk continually, so you get a little bit of "foam" on top. (It won't be mega-foamy, like Starbucks, but it's yummy all the same.) Combine coffee and milk; top with whipped cream or a dash of cinnamon, if you like.

Stay warm, friends.

Next

I am not so good at dealing with uncertainty. It's true. I always want to know what's next.

Whenever I have a tough moment, I always think about how I could just do something entirely different, and I depend on that to buoy me up until I can make a next step at whatever is causing the trouble or self-doubt. I never actually do these things, but they comfort me, and then I muster the courage to keep trying at the task at hand. (Last week, my life raft was this idea of spending my days in my grandfather's basement, learning woodcarving.)

It was tough getting to work earlier this week. I really, really wanted to stay in bed one morning and avoid all the nuttiness. But my brain said "Will you really feel better about things if you don't face them?" And one teensy little part of my brain said, "Yeah!" But most of it sighed and admitted, "No. You will just feel cowardly and small." So I made it, and snapped this shot of the Lincoln Center sunset after work—my little reward for getting through the day. And here I am on Thursday, still kicking. But...I found out today that I didn't get the new job I've been waiting to hear about. There was a lot riding on this opportunity, so my head is spinning a bit.

I want to know what's next, but I have to just take it slow. I'm going out to nature this weekend, so I'm sure that will help me clear my head.

Tea season

Is there anything so glorious as tea season? OK, maybe this:
The rest of a grey New York Sunday is not half bad, either...

(View from the 10th floor of the Flatiron Building, thanks to a friend who has an office inside!)

Halloween is coming!

People, I have discovered that there is no better cure for feeling sad (which has been my state the past few days, sorry to say) than the anticipation of Halloween.

I love Halloween. I love picking a costume and hunting for/making the pieces and putting it all together. I am not a fan of costumes in a bag...I love putting together the whole costume too much, and have found that I can usually do costumes cheaper my way, too! (See: Chris's 2008 Mozart "pantaloons" made outta $5 white sweatpants and knee socks; 2009's Buffy the Vampire Slayer stake, whittled at home from a $3 wooden dowel.)

This year, I'm especially excited about my costume. I chose it ages ago, but have only just started finding the pieces. I'm going to go as Kaylee from the TV show "Firefly." This cheers me up even more than most costumes, because Kaylee is an incredibly cheery character. She's the mechanic on a spaceship and can fix anything. Even when sh** is hitting the fan,

Kaylee will dig in, fix the problem, and respond with a bright "Everything's shiny, cap'n."

(Plus, I love wearing my hair in pigtail knots like that. I do it when no one is home. It makes me look 12.)

So, if you happen to have some olive green coveralls and/or size 6 combat boots I can borrow, lemme know...!

Patch of earth

"Beth has lost it," you are saying. "Why is she posting a patch of dirt?"

Because, friends, I have changed my commute route again. For some reason, I have decided that it is vital for my feet to touch real earth at least once a day, no matter how manicured or shabby it may be. Because how can I stay grounded if I never touch the ground? I know it's crazy, but I've convinced myself that I absorb something elemental this way. This nutty current compulsion of mine takes me over this little patch in Central Park each morning. I do love it so.