What's a girl to do?

Attention cat owners: Is there *any* way to train a cat?

My adorable, gentle, and sweet "bunny-rabbit" greets strangers excitedly, purrs on our laps all the time, infinitely improves my moods and stress levels, and is generally a perfect pet. EXCEPT I cannot stop him from jumping on the counter. This horrifies houseguests and creates work for us (eternal wiping down and/or washing our arsenal of cutting boards—guaranteed cat-free prep surfaces). And, as I was reminded today, when he jumped on the counter and jetted across the HOT STOVE, it is NOT safe for the cat! (He was fine. Phew.)

He jumps on the counter mainly because he loves the sink. We tried getting him a kitty fountain, but he still likes the sink. We tried squirting him with a bottle, but he just deals with the water. "No" is a word that cats understand—and laugh at and ignore. I hear double-sided tape can deter cats from certain surfaces, but our cat loves to chew on tape (what a weirdo!). This "blender defender" seems a little extreme...anyone have any practical advice??